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Listen
Feelings and reactions
Rape and sexual assault affect people in different ways. Everyone is different. We all feel differently about the things that happen to us in our lives. Whatever you feel and do is 'normal'.
What was happening in your life before the assault; whether you have people around you who believe you and support you; and your own circumstances all affect how you react to and cope with rape and sexual assault.
For example, men and women may share similar feelings but may react differently. Women may be more likely to cry and turn in on themselves. Men may be more likely to hurt themselves or damage things. But this is not always the case, and there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way for men and women to react.
Men may feel particularly vulnerable because of expectations that all men should be strong, in control and able to protect themselves. This may be made worse if there is no one they can confide in or they think that friends, family or others will be unsympathetic or unsupportive. This in turn may make it more difficult for men to talk about the assault.
Gay men may think that the assault happened because they are gay. They may have been taunted about their sexuality as part of the attack. Straight men may feel very confused and wonder if they are gay as a result of the assault or because of how their bodies responded during the assault. They may be more distressed by the sexual element of the assault than the violence and be reluctant to say anything because they are worried about being seen as gay. However, sexual assault has nothing to do with the sexual orientation of the attacker or the victim. Sexual assault does not make you gay, bisexual or heterosexual. It is a crime of violence that affects straight men as much as gay men.
Sometimes, you may think that your reactions seem out of proportion to what happened. This may be because you are reacting to something that happened to you before.
If you have been sexually abused or assaulted as a child, or in another context, further assault may bring back memories of what happened or make your feelings and reactions even more intense.
If your partner raped or sexually assaulted you, this may be one part of a whole range of abuse which happens regularly.
Your feelings can be very strong and can last a long time. For example, you may feel too upset to eat or sleep. You may suddenly cry or lose your temper. You may feel angry at the attacker, yourself and other people for not protecting you. You may feel ashamed, guilty and embarrassed. You may feel frightened of being alone, of being in crowds and of the attacker coming back or finding you. You may also feel anxious about what other people are feeling and that you need to protect them. And you may find it difficult to be close to your partner, children, friends or family.
Or you may feel none of these things. Whatever you feel is OK.
Many people feel overwhelmed by their feelings and worry they are 'going mad'. If this is how you feel, it may be reassuring to know that you are simply reacting, in a very natural way, to a traumatic experience. There are things you can do to feel better.
You do not have to cope on your own. You can talk privately to someone who has helped other people in the same situation. Section 4 lists agencies you can contact.
Reactions during an assault
People often say that if they were assaulted they would fight back or run away. But, in fact, most people do not. Their automatic reaction is to freeze and not do anything. This is because they don't believe this can be happening to them; they are frightened they might get injured or killed if they resist; and/or they feel completely helpless. If this happened to you, it does not mean that you agreed to the assault. You were trying to survive the ordeal.
Your attacker may have frightened or threatened you. Or you may have been drunk, drugged, unconscious or asleep at the time.
It is possible for people to have a physical (sexual) response. This is an involuntary body reaction which can be very confusing. If this happened to you, it does not mean that you wanted to be assaulted or enjoyed the experience. If you are a straight man, it does not mean that you are now gay or bisexual.
Reactions immediately after an assault
Immediately after a rape or sexual assault you may feel numb and shocked. You may be visibly upset. You may laugh uncontrollably, talk a lot, shout, cry or be tense and restless. Or you may be very calm and not want to say what happened. It is also common for people to talk about the attack as if it happened to someone else. Or you may feel very upset at some points and very controlled at others.
If you have not been fully aware of an assault you may feel confused and disoriented.
Factors which affect your reactions
The way you react can be affected by various fears including:
- Fear that you will not be believed
- Fear about how your friends and family will react
- Fear for your safety and that it might happen again
- Fear that people can tell what's happened by looking at you
- Fear of sexually transmitted infections
- For men, fear that you might be gay as a result of the assault or seen as weak
- For women, fear of being pregnant
Feelings immediately after an assault
You may feel some or all of the following:
- Numb or as if you are in a daze
- Helpless or powerless
- Sore - you might not know which parts of your body were hurt
- Confused about the detail of what happened
- Unable to concentrate and generally 'jumpy'
- Unable to sleep or that you want to sleep all the time
- Sick or unable to eat (particularly if the attack was oral) or that you want to binge
- The need to forget what happened and block out feelings by using alcohol, drugs, cigarettes or food
- Dirty and want to wash repeatedly
- Ashamed, embarrassed and angry
- Guilty
These feelings are very common and are a natural response to what has happened. See here for some suggestions about ways of coping with these feelings.
As time goes on
It is common to try to live life as normal and to cope by blocking out your thoughts and feelings. But memories can come back and you may experience:
- Panic attacks: the body responds as if it has a severe fright but with no obvious cause. This can lead to palpitations, dizziness, nausea, shaking, shortness of breath and sweating ( see
here) - Flashbacks: can be brought on by something that reminds you of the assault or the attacker, for example when you talk about what happened ( see here)
- Startle reactions: you may jump at the slightest thing and this can trigger a panic attack
- Dependency: you may feel more dependent on others; not want to be alone; and be anxious that family or friends might reject you
- Existing problems seem worse: you may find it more difficult to cope with any other problems in your life
- Need for drastic change: it is common for people to make a drastic change particularly if they knew the attacker and they are still in the area. This might include moving house, changing job, altering appearance
- Change of temperament/personality: you may become withdrawn and stop doing the things you used to do. You might not notice this
You may also:
- Feel very alone
- Feel ashamed and that you were to blame for what happened
- Go over the assault in your mind trying to work out why it happened to you and what you could have done to prevent it
- Feel unsafe and not want to go out if the assault happened outside your home or be at home if it happened there
- Find it hard to be on your own but also find it hard to be in company
- Be anxious about your sex life: sexual contact may cause flashbacks for some people; worry about being no longer attractive
- For men who are sexually assaulted by men, you may be concerned about your sexuality or what other people think of your sexuality
- Worry that your friends, family or community will reject you
- Be more aware of media reports of sexual assaults and, as a result, feel anxious and powerless
- Feel generally scared and anxious
You might recognise some of these feelings and reactions. They are 'normal' and a common response to what's happened.
Longer-term reactions
You may feel angry at what has happened. It is very common for people to blame themselves rather than their attacker. If you have no outlet for your anger and continue to blame yourself or feel ashamed this can lead to depression, or self-destructive behaviour such as drinking too much, taking drugs, getting into fights or putting yourself at risk in other ways.
In the process of trying to regain control over your life you may end up becoming very 'controlling'. You may try to control people and things over which you can have no control.
You may find it difficult to trust and become withdrawn and suspicious of other people.
You may find that you become increasingly dependent on the people close to you and feel a strong need to be accepted and kept safe by others.
Other people's reactions
Friends and family members may react in unexpected ways. They may be very shocked and distressed for you and want to help in any way they can. Or, if you were assaulted by a family member, there may be reluctance to support you or cause 'upset' in the family.
You may come across some people whose attitudes are very unhelpful. Unfortunately this might include professionals such as employers or other influential people.
Even people who are well meaning may not understand your situation or what you are going through. People generally do not know very much about rape and sexual assault. What they see on TV or in newspapers may not help.
Your family and friends may not know how to handle the situation and so may avoid you. They may find you difficult, for example if you are irritable or withdrawn. They may have unrealistic ideas about how long it might take you to 'recover'. And they may need some help themselves to cope with their own feelings and be strong enough to support you. It may help to:
- Think about who you tell and make sure that this is someone you trust
- Take care of yourself first. You are not responsible for how other people feel
- Give this pack to people you are close to so they can find out more about what you are dealing with
- Suggest they contact an agency such as Rape Crisis or Victim Support for advice on how they might support you
Moving on
People adapt to difficult and traumatic experiences in different ways. You may wonder if you will ever recover from a sexual assault. People do, in the same way that they recover from other forms of loss. But it may change the way you see the world forever, and it may take a very long time to come to terms with it. You may need help at different times to cope with practical, health or emotional issues.
Some people tell no one and find a way of carrying on with their lives as if nothing happened. But many people say that talking to someone helped them. Talking to someone early on can prevent longer-term problems. There are many agencies which you can phone in a crisis and for ongoing support. They can also put you in touch with services in your area. See section 4.
You do not have to cope on your own.
Whatever you feel is OK.
You may have very strong feelings and reactions or feel numb or calm. This is natural.
It is OK to be angry. Being angry means that you are starting to come to terms with the assault. Try to find ways of expressing it that don't hurt you or other people.
If you can, avoid alcohol or drugs as they can just make things worse. If you do use them, try to do so as safely as possible. See also here for ideas of other forms of coping.
Whatever has happened, you have a right to help and support.
Try to find someone you can trust to confide in.
Ask for help if you need it.
There are things you can do to feel better.
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