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Chapter 7: Findings about sexuality and sexual orientation
7.1 Uncertainty
A large proportion of the sexuality calls were from young people who were unsure of their sexual orientation and who evidently felt a need to talk through their feelings. Many callers stated that they 'thought' they were, or 'might be', gay, indicating feelings of uncertainty and ambivalence about their sexual orientation. Evident across most narratives was that callers' feelings had emerged in line with puberty and their developing sexual feelings. There were few calls from young people under the age of 10, and no calls from children aged 5-8 years old. A primary motivation in many narratives appeared to be to explore these feelings and the contexts surrounding them, with the likely aim of helping the young person to clarify their sexual orientation, for example:
Think I might be a lesbian, worried about it, friends make fun of me for it too, do not know any other lesbians. ( SXLY, 2003, FC, 16 years)
Thinks he might be gay - feels 'nervous'. Worried people might 'beat' him if they knew. Gets erection in showers at school. Boys have noticed and commented. ( SXLY, 2004, MC, 14 years)
Concerned about his sexuality, finds other boys attractive and masturbates thinking of males, too embarrassed to tell anyone, scared of being found out and beaten by other boys. ( SXLY, 2004, MC, 15 years)
Some callers described feelings or experiences to the counsellor and asked whether these meant that they were gay. There was a sense in these narratives that the young person was looking for the counsellor to tell them their sexual orientation or to define it for them in some way. This clearly suggested that the young people understood sexual orientation to be categorical or definitive, rather than a spectrum of feelings that could shift and change across different times and contexts.
In contrast to many of the callers who were unsure of their sexual orientation, there were a number of young people who clearly defined or labelled themselves as gay, lesbian, or (less often) bisexual and wanted to talk through other feelings or concerns related to it. There were also a small number of narratives in which young men and women described feeling that they were the wrong gender, and most of these callers explored the possibility of a sex change. The majority of the transgender calls were from young men concerned about cross-dressing.
7.2 Feelings about sexual orientation
For a number of young people, their attraction and sexual feelings for their own sex were experienced as problematic and unwelcome. Amongst callers who were uncertain about their sexual orientation, many stated that they were afraid or worried that they were gay, bisexual, lesbian etc. There was a sense in some of these narratives that to be anything other than heterosexual was very threatening to the callers and that these concerns about their sexuality had constituted a crisis in their lives, for example:
Mark was worried that he was gay, he had feelings for another boy. He wanted to tell his parents cos he doesn't like keeping secrets. He was worried that he might be gay when older. ( SXLY, 2003, MC, 15 years)
I think I am attracted to girls. Do not want to be. I am scared. ( SXLY, 2004, FC, 14 years)
Many young people described themselves as confused about their feelings and their sexual orientation. In particular these feelings were often confusing when they had developed for a friend with whom the caller's relationship had apparently always been platonic. Callers were also confused by conflicting feelings, for example between the sexual feelings they were experiencing and those that they thought were right or normal, i.e. heterosexual. Some young people were confused because they had feelings of attraction for both males and females. Many callers expressed concerns or beliefs that their sexual orientation was wrong or abnormal. Some young people indicated that important people in their lives, predominantly parents or friends, believed that homosexuality or bisexuality was wrong or abnormal, and evidently were influenced by these beliefs
Confused regarding her feelings towards best friend, feelings were sexual, told best friend about this; friend has fallen out with her. ( SXLY, 2003, FC, 12 years)
Thinks he is gay. Over last year or so he has had sexual feelings towards boys in showers and on T.V. Has had girlfriends and admits he is attracted to them also. Confused, wants confirmation that he is a 'normal' guy. ( SXLY, 2004, MC, 15 years)
A strong feeling of 'otherness' was conveyed by many of these concerns with being abnormal. A few callers explicitly stated that they felt different from their peers because of their sexual orientation, and consequently indicated a feeling of being excluded. It was not necessarily the case that peers had deliberately excluded the caller, or even that they knew of the caller's sexual orientation, although peer exclusion was a central concern. A strong sense of embarrassment and shame was expressed and implied across many narratives in relation to sexual orientation and a large proportion of young people stated that they did not want to be gay. Only a very few callers described feeling comfortable with their sexual orientation and it was notable that none of these were male.
The feeling of not wanting to be gay clearly revealed that these young people understood their sexual orientation as out of their control; these were not feelings that they had chosen or which they could change. It was evident in many narratives that young people who did not want to be gay predominantly felt this way because of the social consequences of this. The fear or experience of not being accepted because of their sexual orientation, particularly by parents and peers, and the consequences such as peer exclusion and bullying meant that these young people experienced their sexuality as very negative, for example:
Has lots of best friends who are girls. 'I think I fancy them. I do not want to be a lesbian. My brother's gay. I want to be normal. Feel embarrassed, if I tell any of my friends they might think it's weird. It's a bit depressing. ( SXLY, 2004, FC, 13 years)
7.3 Attraction
Unsurprisingly, attraction and sexual feelings were a key component of the majority of callers' questions and concerns regarding their sexuality. Some callers described having felt generally attracted to people of the same sex, or sexually aroused by their own sex. Others often described having strong feelings of attraction for someone in particular, in many cases a friend. Attraction and sexual feelings were also discussed by young people who wanted to talk about how they felt for a particular person, and in some cases to explore whether and how to act on these feelings. Some callers had already acted on their feelings and wanted to talk about what had happened as a result, for example:
Caller goes to an all boys school. Had a wank with one of his pals. Feels that he wants to do it again. Does this mean that I'm turning gay? ( SXLY, 2003, MC, 12 years)
Caller having sexual relationship with friend and enjoys this at the time; then feels disgusted; has boyfriend and has sex with him; seeking advice. ( SXLY, 2004, FC, 15 years)
As was evident in the section on partner relationships, young people in general often felt a need to talk to ChildLine about their attractions and sexual feelings for others. In that respect, young people attracted to their own sex were no different. However, the narratives suggested that some of these young people clearly faced much greater problems in terms of attraction and acting on that attraction than did heterosexual young people. The stigma surrounding these non-heterosexual attractions and the consequent secrecy in which many young people kept their feelings might have meant that the ChildLine offered one of the few ways that some young people could safely and comfortably talk about and share their feelings.
7.4 Peers' reaction and peer exclusion
One very problematic area for these callers was the reactions of their peers. This was a concern in a very large proportion of narratives. Almost exclusively callers feared or anticipated a negative reaction from their friends and/or peers if they were to learn of the caller's sexual orientation. Many callers therefore expressed a need for secrecy in order to avoid this. This is especially noteworthy because, in so many other areas, peers were talked about as a source of support. There was a clear gender difference in the fears regarding peer exclusion such that, in a few narratives, young men talked about fears of homophobic bullying involving physical abuse, which was not a feature of the young women's narratives.
All of the fears regarding peer reactions and peer exclusion that young men and women expressed were borne out in many callers' experiences. Only in a very small number of calls did it appear that peers had reacted positively to a disclosure of sexual orientation. Most often, on learning of this, callers described friends and peers as turning on them and teasing or bullying them, and, amongst a few male callers, physical abuse being perpetrated by peers on the basis of the young man's sexual orientation, for example:
Came out last week as being bi-sexual. Told her best friend who she trusted in confidence. She told everyone the next day in school and now no-one is talking to her except to tease her. ( SXLY, 2003, FC, 14 years)
Todd said I am sexually attracted to a boy in my year. He is drop dead gorgeous. I told him and he punched me in the face. I love and hate him. Can you change it for me? ( SXLY, 2004, MC, 13 years)
Although, given the nature of the ChildLine service, we might expect to see narratives that are skewed towards the reporting of negative experiences. However, in these narratives, very few positive peer experiences were reported, and the considerable extent to which young people feared and experienced negative reactions and serious consequences highlights this as a crucial area for intervention, support and change. In particular, these findings highlight the importance of sex and relationships education in exploring sexualities with young people in an effort to challenge homophobic attitudes, and to reassure young people that they are normal and acceptable.
7.5 Concerns about parents
As with the concerns expressed regarding peers, many callers said that they were afraid to tell their parents about their sexual orientation or worried about how their parents would react if they did. A number of callers said that they knew their parents disapproved of homosexuality or were homophobic, and this knowledge evidently underpinned their fears, for example:
Snogged another girl, worried that she prefers girls, worried her mum will be annoyed and upset, wants to be normal and like boys. ( SXLY, 2003, FC, 15 years)
Think I might be gay, fancy my best friend, scared in case he doesn't like me and my mum doesn't like me if I am, want to be straight, mum doesn't like gay people. ( SXLY, 2004, MC, 10 years)
Many young people indicated that they wanted to tell their parent(s) about their sexual orientation, although most expressed concerns about doing so and its implications. One concern was how to tell parents, and some callers asked advice about this. As with peers' reactions, though, only a few callers reported that their parent(s) had been accepting of their sexual orientation. Moreover, very few narratives contained descriptions of young people who were receiving support from their parents or their peers. An overarching concern was therefore that young people were greatly lacking in support and people in whom they could confide.
Clearly a central theme across the sexuality concerns was stigma. The majority of young people understood their sexual orientation to be unacceptable, expressing this through their personal concerns that it was wrong, shameful, embarrassing and so on, and/or through their concerns that others, i.e. peers and parents, perceived it this way and would not therefore accept them. As was evident from the facts of life and partner relationships sections, many young people struggled with aspects of the transition through puberty, of which developing sexual feelings was just one. The stigma surrounding sexual orientation therefore appeared to add a considerable burden to these concerns, making adolescence all the more difficult to negotiate for these young people.
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