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Chapter 6: Findings about partner relationships
6.1 Importance
Relationships appeared to have great significance for many children and young people, and in many narratives callers communicated strong desires to be in a relationship with someone. Perhaps unsurprisingly, in 91% of relationship cases young people were phoning about their relationship with their boy or girlfriend (75% of all cases included details of the relationship the young person was concerned about). The next most frequent (5%) category was relationships with other children (not siblings). When phoning about a boy / girl friend relationship, nearly all girls (99%) phoned about their relationship with their boyfriend, with 93% of boys phoning about their relationship with their girlfriend.
Many callers, both female and male, described wanting to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes this desire was related to feeling attracted to a particular person, but often calls were about other priorities including fitting in with peers who had partners; addressing feelings of being left out or lonely; and providing opportunities for sexual experiences. Some callers said that they wanted a partner because all their friends had one, and a few described friends as teasing them for not having a partner. A few callers also indicated that having a partner would provide them with status in their peer group, for example:
All his friends have girlfriends except him, doesn't want to be alone for the rest of his life, now his friends have girlfriends he doesn't see them and he is feeling very lonely. ( FOLF, 2003, MC, 12 years)
Friends are all pretty and have boyfriends. I'm ugly and want a boyfriend. Tried make-up but boys make fun of me. ( FOLF, 2003, FC, 14 years)
6.2 Attraction
A substantial number of calls from children and young people of all ages were about attraction. Many callers told ChildLine about how they fancied someone, describing, for example, what the person was like, or how the attraction was making them feel. These narratives often contained descriptions of strong feelings that conveyed the significance of attraction in these young people's lives. Sometimes the call was about sharing these experiences; more often, though, callers described complications or worries that made the attraction problematic in some way, and so their call was motivated by a need for guidance, advice or support. Some children described feeling embarrassed or nervous about their attraction; others worried it would be discovered; others were afraid that they would be teased or laughed at if their peers found out.
A large number of both male and female callers sought advice about how to ask out the person they fancied, often because they felt very shy or nervous to ask someone out, and/or because they were afraid of rejection. A lack of skills for communicating with potential partners was an issue that emerged strongly for callers of all ages. Peer support occasionally emerged as a strategy, whereby caller's friends were enlisted to talk to potential partners, and ask them out on the caller's behalf or ask them how they felt about the caller. Many callers said they feared being rejected and some called because they had experienced this. Rejection was also threatening because, in some narratives, friends or peers knew of the rejection and teased callers about it, intensifying the upset or feelings of humiliation.
I fancy Ross. My friend Steven wrote him a letter for me saying how I feel and asking him if he will go out with me. He circled no. I feel rejected, upset, angry and confused. He doesn't fancy me as I am ugly. I want to kill self. (FOLF, 2004, FC, 13 years)
6.3 Ending relationships
The ending of relationships was a major topic of concern for young people. Callers phoned both because they had been 'dumped' and because they had dumped, or wanted to dump their partner. Often callers expressed strong feelings of loss and hurt, indicating that the emotional impact of these break-ups could be strong. Calls about ending relationships came from both male and female callers, although notably this concern constituted a large proportion of the calls from young men.
That many of the calls from males were about being dumped suggests that young men are often invested in relationships, just as young women are. This is an important point because, as is explored later, often young women appeared to prioritise their relationship more highly than their male partners, and were disempowered by this. Interestingly, however, it was mostly young women who called about wanting to end a relationship or needing advice about how to do this. They often expressed concerns that they did not want to hurt their partner, and sought advice about how to minimise the hurt they would cause in ending the relationship; there were few calls about wanting to end a relationship from male callers.
Want to dump my boyfriend, do not want to hurt him. He's not being nice and there's another boy I like. Going out for 2/3 months. He says he wants to have sex and children and live with me. I think I'm too young. ( RELP, 2003, FC, 16 years)
6.4 Cheating partners
Two-timing or cheating partners was a big issue in the partner relationship calls. For the most part callers were phoning because they suspected or knew that they were being cheated on by partners. Being cheated on caused a lot of hurt as well as, in a few narratives, feelings of embarrassment, and feelings of betrayal. Cheating with a caller's friend seemed to be a particularly upsetting and common betrayal. Narratives rarely contained the term 'trust', however, from the volume of calls regarding cheating partners, it seems that assumptions of monogamy and trust underpinned these young relationships.
Thinks his girlfriend is cheating on him with best friend. She doesn't kiss him any more. What will he do if she doesn't want to see him any more? ( RELP, 2004, MC, 18 years)
Confronted her boyfriend of 7 months that she's been told he asked another girl out; boyfriend denied it but Jemma doesn't believe him; feeling upset and wanted advice. ( RELP, 2003, FC, 11 years)
6.5 Requests for sex/sexual acts
Male and female callers aged from 9 to 18 years phoned CLS to talk about requests for sex or sexual acts they had received from partners. Issues discussed included problems understanding the terminology for sex and sexual acts; concerns regarding readiness for sex and sexual acts; concerns about refusing requests consequences of this for the relationship; and pressure to submit to requests for sex and sexual acts. From the age of 11 years, a large number of young women were concerned that saying no to sex would threaten their relationship and it appeared that they therefore considered prioritising their partner's wishes over their own, for example:
My boyfriend wants me to have sex with him. I'm not sure - think I would if it would make him happy but I'm scared I'll get used. Scared to get pregnant or a disease. ( FOLF, 2004, FC, 14 years)
6.6 Pressure to have sex
Many callers, predominantly young women, described active pressure from partners to have sex. A number of callers described having had sex that was not wanted, but which they had agreed to, for example because they had felt pressured by their partner or because they'd wanted to fit in with peers. Pressure was exerted in four main ways: some partners repeatedly requested sex; partners avoided or ignored them after they refused; many partners threatened to dump them if they refused sex; some partners threatened violence including both physical and sexual assault, for example:
My boyfriend wants to have sex and have a blowjob. I don't want to because I'm not ready. He said he would finish with me if I said no - I really like him. ( RELP, 2003, FC 13 years)
6.7 Partner abuse
A number of young people, from 12 to 18 years and predominantly young women, reported both physical and sexual abuse being perpetrated by their partners. The age of the caller's partner was often unclear, though it was certainly evident that some partners were young people of peer age.
Had sex for the first time with her 15 year old boyfriend last week - he said it wasn't right and not as good as his last girlfriend - now he's hitting her and being nasty to her - didn't feel ready to have sex - scared to say no - told her brother. ( FOLF, 2003, FC, 12 years)
Had sex with boyfriend today. Didn't know how they felt about it - first time. Said he went fast and it hurt. Tingly. 'Not ready'. Didn't want to do it. He just put it in. She just lay there. Hurting me. Too big for me. Said she was bleeding. ( FOLF, 2004, FC, 14 years)
The predominance of abuse perpetrated against young women strongly highlights the need for interventions to address young people's abusive behaviour and to tackle young people's acceptance of it.
The importance of relationships kept some young people from leaving partners who had betrayed and, particularly in the case of young women, from leaving abusive partners. It also motivated some young women to consider consenting to requests for sex and sexual acts that they did not desire or were not ready for. Such importance of partner and peer relationships to young people is particularly notable when considered in comparison with the conspicuous absence of physical sexual health concerns, notably about STIs.
Although sexually transmitted infections are a priority for the Scottish Executive, it is clear from the CLS data that it is relationships which are a central priority for children and young people, whilst health concerns were only a priority for a small minority of callers. This contrast indicates that sexual health promotion messages for young people may have limited success if they appeal to concerns for health, where relationship concerns take precedence.
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