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Chapter 4: Findings about sexual abuse
4.1 Perpetrators of sexual abuse
Most (94%) sexual abuse cases recorded details of the perpetrator. It was possible to identify the perpetrator's gender in 90% of cases where the perpetrator was recorded. In total, 48% of perpetrators were a parental figure, 38% being the child's 'natural' parent; most commonly the father (71% of 'natural' parents). Only 7% of all perpetrators were strangers. Overall, four fifths of perpetrators were male. Boys were nearly as likely to report abuse by males as abuse by females. For girls the majority of cases featured abuse by males.
4.2 Communication, Language and Terminology
Children and young people communicated about their sexual abuse experiences in very different ways. Some callers presented their concerns directly, while others were hesitant and took time to build up to their disclosure. Many callers described the abuse in detail, and many used explicit language. Others only implied that sexual abuse was occurring, hinting at and suggesting it without declaring it overtly. These differences gave rise to four different styles of communicating sexual abuse concerns: direct, indirect, explicit and implied. These data are important as we know relatively little about how children communicate about these experiences at the time when they are happening to them.
It seemed from the narratives that the majority of callers presented their sexual abuse concerns directly. As the age of callers increased, the tendency toward an indirect style of communication also increased. The difference between the direct and the indirect style was that, in the former, the caller stated their concerns without preamble or build-up to the disclosure, for example:
Dad tries to have sex with me. ( SEXA, 2003, FC 12 years)
By presenting concerns indirectly, callers appeared to be 'drip-feeding' their story to the counsellor, allowing it to unfold slowly. For some callers this may have been an important way of checking how the counsellor was reacting to what they were saying, helping them to keep feeling safe throughout the communication. For some it may also have been important in enabling them to find the words or the courage to tell their story, as the following extract indicates:
Worried because there was something she wanted to tell mum but didn't know how . Someone in her family whom she thought she could trust had done things to her. Then said it had been her grandpa. When she was younger she sometimes stayed overnight with him. ( SEXA, 2003, FC, 16 years)
There were also a number of different ways that callers implied they were experiencing sexual abuse. Very often, callers described a person as doing 'things' or 'stuff', to them that they didn't like or felt uncomfortable with. This implication of abuse was often strengthened by the feelings that callers conveyed in the context of the 'things' or 'stuff' that were happening; feelings such as being ashamed, feeling sick or dirty, or feeling afraid. Either implying or indirectly communicating about abuse were also a clear reflection of the fear, pain and discomfort that callers felt when trying to communicate about their experiences and concerns, in many cases for the first time.
In contrast, a substantial number of callers communicated about their abuse experience explicitly. This style was used more frequently than the indirect or implied styles, and was common amongst callers across all ages, male and female. This may have been an important way of coping with the experience and helping to make sense of it, or perhaps some callers may have been disinhibited by their experience of sexual abuse, such that they did not perceive their language to be explicit or confronting to the listener. These explicit forms of communication were particularly striking because they challenged the norm of silence and secretiveness surrounding sexual abuse, as well as the stigmatised discourses of sex that make it difficult for people to talk openly about it.
Explicit sexual language was prevalent amongst callers. This may have been the vocabulary that callers had acquired in the context of the abuse, however, for some callers this might have been the language they were most comfortable with, which reflected the mainstream language of sex to which they had been exposed (for example, terms such as 'fucking' and 'shagging'). In contrast, amongst the youngest callers in particular it was common for the language used to be very 'innocent', using euphemisms such as 'flower', 'winky', 'willy' or 'down below'. This innocent language and lack of understanding sat in paradox to the very explicit sexual language or detailed descriptions of sexual acts which older callers communicated. Having experienced sexual abuse many callers clearly had sufficient understanding to describe what had happened to them, however this knowledge may not have been supported by a more general understanding of sex and the body, and a corresponding vocabulary with which to communicate about it.
A term that was commonly used by children and young people to describe abuse was 'dirty'. Many callers implied it was sexual abuse they were experiencing by saying that 'dirty things' or 'dirty stuff' was happening. Others were direct that they were being sexually abused and described the things that were involved in the abuse as dirty. For example:
Daddy is trying to do things to me, dirty things. Did not want to talk about them. Mum/dad had split 2 years ago. Daddy is mum's new boyfriend. Told mum, does not believe her. Mum says she deserves it. Feels like running away. Told her grandma. ( SEXA, 2004, FC, 11 years)
4.3 Problem Solving and Coping Strategies
All of the calls to ChildLine regarding sexual abuse can be viewed as a way in which the child or young person was trying to problem solve or cope with their experience. Feelings of shame and embarrassment might also have been lessened by communicating about abuse over the phone, where a face-to-face communication would be more threatening.
In addition to the disclosure to ChildLine, a large number of callers indicated that they had disclosed to someone that they were being sexually abused. Disclosure appeared to be proportionally more common amongst females than males. By far the most common person that young people reported having disclosed to was their mother. In some instances, disclosing abuse was positive in that the caller had been met with support and action was taken to address the abuse. However, a central problem for approximately one third of the callers who had disclosed abuse was that they had not been believed. For the majority, the person who had not believed them was their mother, and in most cases the perpetrator of the abuse was the mother's partner: father, boyfriend, or step-father. For example, one 9 year old whose father was sexually abusing him said:
told mum but she didn't believe me, said dad wouldn't do anything like that. ( SEXA, 2003, MC, 9 years)
Whether or not friends knew of the abuse, they were often mentioned as an important source of support to callers. Many callers indicated that the only people to whom they had disclosed the abuse were their friends. As was also indicated in our previous research, the role of friends in supporting children and young people highlights a potential gap in support that is needed for the friend to cope with this responsibility.
Whilst some children talked about running away to escape the abuse, many spoke about resistance. In a large number of calls the caller talked about the ways in which they had tried to stop the abuser or prevent the abuse from occurring. Approximately half of these callers said that they had asked or told the abuser to stop at the time of the abuse. Very few, however, indicated that these requests had been successful, and some told how they had been hit, shouted at, or laughed at in response. There did not appear to be any particular gender differences in the reporting of this strategy. Many explained how they had tried to fight off or push away their abuser. Again, most of these attempts were unsuccessful in stopping the abuse and, in some cases, callers were met with increasing violence or worsening abuse. These reports demonstrate the active role of children in trying to defend themselves and stop the abuse, often unsuccessfully. However, with each failure to stop what is happening the child or young person may come to believe that no effort or intervention can be successful, and so reach a point where they feel helpless. This can lead on to the suicidal thoughts, self harm, blanking out of the abuse, avoidance of the abuser, or sheer helplessness described by some callers, for example:
Dad says he will 'batter me tonight if I do not have sex with him. Been abusing her since aged 9. Copes by trying not to think about it'. ( SEXA, 2003, FC, 13 years)
The common aim of most of the coping and problem solving methods that the callers talked about seemed to be to provide an escape, whether interim or permanent, from the experience of sexual abuse and /or the emotional suffering it induced. Whilst these strategies may reveal a great deal about how children and young people try to deal with experiencing sexual abuse, these callers nonetheless remain differentiated from other victims by their decision to contact ChildLine. A striking feature of many narratives was the resilience and determination of callers who phoned ChildLine to disclose their abuse, despite experiences such as not having been believed by some of the most important people in their lives.
4.4 Violence and Physical Abuse
One of the most consistent issues presented by callers as occurring both within sexual abuse, and in addition to it, was the perpetration of violence and physical abuse against them. This was a substantial issue presented by a large number of callers. There can be no sexual abuse without physical abuse; however, many children and young people described sexual abuse that was sadistic and designed to inflict physical pain. Many also explained that violence and physical abuse were deployed by abusers to ensure their compliance in abuse, and to punish resistance, for example:
Dad tries to put his hands down my trousers when mum goes to bed. Told me not to tell anyone. Hits me, slaps me and punches me. Bruises on my face and 2 black eyes. ( SEXA, 2004, FC, 11 years)
A notable further issue in the narratives of young women was the level of violence and physical abuse perpetrated against young people by their partners, some of whom were young men of similar or peer age. In many of these calls it was apparent that the caller remained in the relationship. Some young women indicated feeling that they could not end the relationship because they were too afraid of what would happen or what their partner would do, or because of feelings of love or affection for the partner. The issue of violence, physical and sexual abuse perpetrated by partners indicates the need to address these behaviours in young men.
4.5 Factors within abuse
In describing their experiences of sexual abuse children and young people revealed much about the strategies that abusers used to force or coerce the child or young person's participation. These 'strategies' included 'grooming', 'normalising', blackmail and manipulation, and threatening violence. One example was that abusers manipulated callers to believe that the abuse was a game, and described various, unrealistic, consequences for callers if they did not comply with the abuse. Again, a theme about 'normality' ran through a number of calls. This theme was multi-layered. Normalising the abuse was one way that callers described being manipulated by abusers. For example, abusers framed the abuse as loving or told the caller that this was what lots of fathers (or uncles, brothers, mothers etc.) did with their children. Abusers also normalised the abuse by acting normal afterwards, as though nothing had happened. Finally, some callers talked about believing the abuse to be normal, for example:
Being sexually abused by his mummy; as far back as he can remember she would touch him sexually ; just thought it was normal, then thought if left it would get better but when turned 16 mum started to make him have sex with her; feels degraded by it. ( SEXA, 2003, MC, 17 years)
In having the child or young person believe the abuse to be normal, abusers were enabled to continue the abuse, sometimes over a long time. This issue further highlights the need to provide children and young people with an understanding of their rights in sex and relationships, including what is appropriate and inappropriate touching and from whom. Such an approach could help children to identify and understand what is and is not abuse and perhaps to seek help sooner.
4.6 Factors related to abuse
There was a consistent effort by some children and young people to explain, understand, or justify the sexual abuse perpetrated against them. The most common factors outlined were divorce, separation and bereavement, alcohol and to a lesser extent, drug use, and 'other problems' which described a range of issues faced by the caller that may have made them more vulnerable to abuse. Echoing findings from our previous research, if, as callers believed, sexual abuse can occur as the product of crises such as bereavement or relationship breakdown, (albeit undoubtedly within a complex interweaving of factors, all of which are not clear from the present analysis), there is clearly a need for support for adults that is not being met. In some cases it is possible that such support for the vulnerable adults involved could act as a preventative measure against abuse.
4.7 Impact of Sexual Abuse
Most commonly discussed was the emotional impact, discussed below, and a substantial range of feelings were expressed by callers. In addition, there were physical, psychological and social impacts including pain, sexual arousal and gratification, identity issues, depression and low self-esteem and relationship problems with friends, family and partners. For the most part the emotional impact described was the result of ongoing abuse being experienced at the time. However, there were a small number of callers who discussed the long-term impact of abuse which they had experienced in their past. Many callers described how this experience had left them unable to live normally, because of ongoing feelings of fear that continued to plague them, for example:
Raped 18 months ago by ex-boyfriend; out with her friends; she walked the last part home alone; he lives next door; grabbed and raped her; a week later she told her Mum and her friends ; become so scared to go out; now given up school. ( SEXA, 2003, FC, 17 years)
The two main physical impacts which callers explored were pain and feelings of sexual arousal or gratification. Unsurprisingly, sexual arousal and gratification was a complex issue that was, in many cases, closely tied to the emotional impact of the abuse. A number of both males and females described experiencing sexual arousal and gratification in the course of sexual abuse, although this was proportionally much greater amongst male callers. For some callers these feelings of sexual arousal or gratification made them feel guilty. Many said they knew it was wrong but they enjoyed it. In other narratives callers described feelings of confusion about the sexual gratification they had experienced. These feelings may also be a risk factor for longer-term self-blame for the abuse.
4.8 Emotional impact of abuse
The range of feelings expressed by children and young people was considerable. Callers described feeling annoyed, used, cheap, degraded, shocked, surprised, terrible, bad, ashamed, disturbed, embarrassed, trapped, worthless, and numb. By far the most common emotions expressed by callers were fear and worry. This was consistent across males and females of all ages. Callers described feeling scared, worried, frightened, and terrified.
A large number of callers also described feeling unhappy, sad or depressed about what was happening to them. A common emotion described by callers was confusion. Predominantly this was described by male callers in relation to sexual relationships about which they felt ambivalent or about sexual abuse in which they had experienced sexual gratification, as indicated above. This was a particularly complex area for young men who were being sexually abused by female perpetrators. Many callers conveyed, either directly or implicitly, a feeling of anger about the abuse. Anger, hate and a wish to punish were expressed by male and female callers of all ages, most commonly amongst older callers. Callers implicitly expressed anger through feelings such as hate for the abuser and their desire for them to be punished. Finally, a number of the emotions described by callers conveyed the strongly physical, embodied feelings incurred by the abuse. Callers described feeling disgusted, disgusting, sick, dirty, filthy.
4.9 Why disclose the abuse to Childline?
The reasons why children and young people took the decision to contact ChildLine at a particular point in time were often not clear from the narratives. However, a number of callers described problems or concerns that constituted a significant and threatening change in their circumstances and seemed likely to have precipitated the decision to call. Three principal changes were the escalation of abuse, the possibility of pregnancy, and feeling that they had 'reached their limit'. These changes signalled a crisis-point for the caller.
However, more commonly, it was the callers' talk about the barriers to disclosure and their underlying motivations for remaining silent that were particularly revealing about how children and young people deal with sexual abuse. With very rare exceptions, all callers indicated that they wanted the sexual abuse to stop, though many had evidently tolerated a considerable amount before reaching the point of no longer being able to cope. However, for many, reaching such a point was in competition with other priorities, such as protecting others or avoiding the consequences that could arise from disclosure. For these children and young people, many of these consequences were also very serious and undesirable and they demonstrated a strong and often complex understanding of them.
Many callers described having serious concerns about disclosing sexual abuse because of the potential impact of disclosure and the consequences for themselves and others they cared about. Some talked of themselves feeling responsible for the abuse and that they were bad people; others of caring for the abuser. Others stated that they believed they would be removed from their home or taken from their family, or that disclosure would break up their family or their parents' relationship, upset the person they told, or cause trouble. The most consistent fear was of experiencing violence, in some cases because this had been threatened by the abuser. A substantial number simply said they feared they would not be believed. The decision to try to get help was thus one option in an often complicated web of considerations, all of which might shift and change at different times in interaction with the callers' available coping resources.
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