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Coping with grief when someone close to you has been killed

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Coping with grief

Bereavement is a shattering experience. When someone close to you has been killed, it is particularly painful. Such a death can affect you in a number of ways - emotionally, physically and in many aspects of your life.

Feelings

Traumatic grief can show itself in a number of ways. You might feel:

• you can't believe it has happened
• you can't concentrate
• you can't get rid of certain thoughts
• you are scared to go out
• you get angry with other people
• your plans for the future have been wrecked
• you forget things
• you don't want to talk to anyone
• no one understands
• your life is empty and has lost its purpose
• you will never get over what has happened
• your relationships are becoming strained
• you have no control over your life
• guilty (even if there is nothing you could have done to prevent what happened)
• if only........

Physical symptoms

Many people also suffer physical symptoms following the death of someone close.
You may:

• burst into tears easily
• be tired, tense and restless
• have trouble sleeping
• keep getting flashbacks
• suffer aches, palpitations or poor digestion
• find you trip over words or jumble sentences
• find the loss physically painful.

Some or all of these feelings and symptoms are normal in the circumstances. You may feel them all the time or only occasionally.

It is common to have good days and bad days. You are not going mad or reacting abnormally - you are experiencing traumatic grief.

Physical symptoms usually fade with time. If they persist, you may want to consider speaking to your GP.

Impact on families

A sudden death - especially in these circumstances - can create a strain on family relationships. People cope with trauma in different ways and this can lead to partners, parents and children not understanding each others' reactions. It might help to deal with this if you remember:

• people may express their grief in different ways - women may talk more about how they feel while men may hide their feelings and focus on activities, including work.
• family members may retreat into their own private grief and way of coping.
• children will react differently, depending on their age and understanding. Because of this they may talk more bluntly and ask direct questions.
• if you have lost a child and have other children, they may feel isolated, angry or afraid.

It is important to understand and accept these differences and for family members to communicate with each other, even if this is difficult. It is also important to acknowledge and discuss any financial worries as they can add to your grief.

Support

During the shock of the first days and weeks, and on an ongoing basis, family and friends can provide a lot of support. Sometimes they may only be able to offer limited help because they are busy, are not close enough to understand, are worried they might say the wrong thing or are dealing with their own grief.

For many people, the worst time can be when the initial fuss has died down but your feelings and loss remain. It is difficult to return to a normal life and continue as usual.

If you feel you need to talk to someone about how you feel, support is available from a number of sources. These are listed in Section 7 of the information pack. Some of the support groups listed will be able to give you information to help deal with children's reactions to their bereavement. You may also want to consider speaking to your GP. They can put you in touch with other healthcare professionals who may be able to help you at this time.

When you have lost someone, you may feel you can't imagine life ever being the same again. You will never forget the death but you may find the support that is available will help you cope with what has happened, one day at a time.