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Domestic Abuse Against Men in Scotland
APPENDIX D - CASE SUMMARIES
Primary Instigators
Adam
Adam was a manual worker in his mid-twenties who had indicated in the Scottish Crime Survey that his ex-partner had used force against him. Adam did not perceive himself to be a 'victim of domestic violence'. Adam's opening response to our interviewer's question about the relationship in which he had 'experienced force' was to say 'that was more to do with me being violent towards her'. A couple of weeks before he was due to marry Adam had been out drinking (heavily) with some friends, when a man he 'never knew too well' claimed to have kissed his fiancée (June). Adam left the pub immediately to confront June, who denied the accusation - and still did at the time of interview. Nevertheless, Adam physically attacked June, pushing and shoving her, in front of their daughter (who was so frightened she was physically sick). On this occasion it took five police officers to restrain Adam.
Adam was charged with domestic assault and breach of the peace, but June persuaded the police to drop these charges. However, June was unwilling to go ahead with the wedding. Adam described a history of sexual jealousy in his relationship, whereby he would routinely pick fights with men who 'stared' at June when they were socialising. Adam also described an incident in which June had used force against him. Adam claimed that she 'went absolutely mental' after he had started 'questioning her' about 'where she had been'. June initiated the physical attack after Adam had 'jokingly' swung his 'foot right back' as if he was going to put his 'foot in her face'.
There was some evidence to suggest Adam was using his children to control June. Despite his claim that people still see them as 'just like a couple', June had had to call the police when Adam refused to return his daughters to her and her new partner - an act that was in breach of their custodial arrangements.
Equal Combatants
Barry
Barry was in his mid-thirties and worked for the armed forces. Barry had indicated in the Scottish Crime Survey that his current wife had threatened him and used force against him on a couple of occasions in the twelve months prior to interview. However, by the time of our interview with Barry he had separated from his wife, Amy. Amy retained custody of their two children, enabling Barry to continue with his full-time occupation. Barry did not consider himself to be a 'victim of domestic violence'.
Barry described a relationship with an underlying 'violent atmosphere' that frequently erupted into 'major barnies' that would last for 'days and days'. He argued that it takes a lot to get him 'riled' but that Amy was able to 'push the right button at the right time'. During the arguments Barry stated that both he and Amy would 'get in such a rage with each other…[that] She'd push me up against the wall and slap me…I'd push her back'. Barry talked at length about one particular incident when he returned home 'quite drunk' and actual violence ensued. Barry admitted his 'temper was straight up there like a rocket'. On this occasion he 'said something really quite nasty to her' and Amy attacked him with 'whatever she had in her hand 97'. Barry retaliated by pushing Amy 'up against the wall', causing her to fall back and 'crack' her head. Barry also marked Amy's throat on this occasion. Amy called the police, who took Barry to his officer's mess where he resided for the following two weeks. Amy later 'apologised and dropped all charges', although Barry had also told Amy that by contacting the police, she had 'finished his career'.
Barry cited Amy's loneliness and 'jealousy' as underlying causes of the 'violent atmosphere' between them. Indeed, Amy had been 'dragged' a 'million miles away' from 'everything she knew and everything she'd grown up with' as a consequence of Barry's job. Nonetheless, Barry felt that Amy should have made more of an effort to make friends and participate in the army's clubs: 'all she was interested in was the kids'. Barry also claimed that Amy had tried to 'change' him, but felt 'frustrated' at her failure to do so.
Barry's work was very important to him. He claimed the 'work hard, play hard' culture he inhabited frequently kept him away from home, and he found it 'frustrating' that Amy was reluctant to attend his work functions. Amy 'didn't trust' that Barry was remaining faithful to her whilst he was at these functions, and had 'accused' him of 'sleeping with someone else'. Barry denied the accusation and once again, 'packed a bag and went' to stay at the officers' mess. Amy also threatened to inform Barry's boss that he was an 'alcoholic'; an accusation which Barry described as 'nonsensical'. Barry had also received threats from Amy's father.
The geographical distance between Amy and her family most likely exacerbated the 'postnatal depression', which Barry implicated in the conflicts between them. Barry said:
She would take it out on me, the frustration would come out on me, the depression would come out on me…and it is actually quite soul destroying to watch someone go down that road. And also…she wouldn't understand that she needed help.
Barry's reaction to his marital problems was to 'just get on with it'. Nevertheless, Barry and Amy did attend Couple Counselling, which, he claimed, did help Amy 'to get better', even though it did not save their marriage. Curiously, Barry agreed with the contention that the police had been 'helpful', despite the fact that on the one occasion when he had contact with them they had charged him as a perpetrator of domestic abuse.
Charlie
Charlie was a university educated professional worker in his early forties. He had lived with his wife Maureen for 21 years. Charlie and Maureen had married sixteen years ago, and subsequently had three children together, with whom they still lived. Charlie had indicated in the Scottish Crime Survey that he had experienced force from his current wife both prior to, and since, January 1999. In his response to the Scottish Crime Survey, Charlie said that these incidents of force would occur every couple of months, that he had sustained cuts and scratches on at least one of these occasions, and that he believed himself to be a 'victim of domestic violence'.
In his qualitative interview, Charlie described some serious episodes of reciprocated physical abuse, although for the most part he would insinuate that Maureen was the primary instigator; his 'aggression' acting as a 'counter to her original violence'. The first time Maureen had ever used force against him was during the second year of their relationship. Maureen threw a teapot at Charlie (which missed him) in response to him telling her 'the relationship was finished' 98. Friends of Charlie and Maureen's came to perceive their relationship as 'stormy', the two of them frequently 'bickering' about 'silly things' in other people's company. Charlie was quick to explain that he tends to 'clam up' and described Maureen's desire to 'discuss' things in public as 'distasteful and embarrassing'.
Although Charlie was proud that the two of them were 'still together…and still happy', it became apparent that his relationship with Maureen frequently became abusive. For example, there had been at least two occasions when Maureen had either slapped or punched Charlie and he had retaliated by 'really' hitting her. Charlie described one of these occasions thus:
She punched me, erm, and so it was quite painful and I reacted by punching her right back, and I lost it. I lost it completely and I really punched her badly that time, erm…I think I had actually bruised her … I'd given her a bruise on her face… and she couldn't go into work and I met her [supervisor] and I explained to him what happened.
There were (at least) two recurring stories through which Charlie contextualised the 'intense' 'conflicts' and 'violence' in his marriage. The first was the murder of Maureen's mother by her stepfather, who 'killed her with his bare hands'. The stepfather had a history of 'paranoid' jealousy, alcoholism, and recurring physical violence. The second was connected to Maureen's 'insecurities'. Charlie said Maureen suspected he was having 'a relationship' with his office junior, having discovered that he had lied about going to lunch at the woman's house. The woman in question had previously told Maureen that she was attracted to Charlie. The police had never come to know about any of the domestic abuse, although Maureen had been to her GP following one 'violent incident'.
Daniel
Daniel was a farmer in his early thirties who lived with his fiancée, Heather. Daniel and Heather each had one child from their previous marriages, and both children also lived with them. Daniel indicated to the Scottish Crime Survey that prior to 1999 he had experienced force from his ex-wife, Georgina, but that he did not consider himself a 'victim of domestic violence'. In his qualitative interview Daniel confirmed that the incidents did indeed involve his ex-wife (Georgina), but denied that she had used force. Instead he described a series of 'heated arguments' precipitating their separation and subsequent divorce. Daniel cited Georgina's infidelity as the main reason for the breakdown of their marriage. Daniel had also engaged in 'violent arguments' with Georgina's lover during the separation.
Daniel described his relationship with Georgina as 'argumentative' from the outset, money often proving a source of dispute. Things started to get 'heavy' after Georgina had commenced her affair. Daniel explained that 'there was abusive stuff', but this was 'purely all verbal', 'never anything physical'. Daniel explained that Georgina 'wasn't ready to settle down' and related the abuse to 'normal arguments' stemming from the breakdown of their marriage.
Eddie
Eddie was in his late forties, unemployed and lived with his wife, Doris. Eddie described both himself and his wife as 'handicapped' (learning disabled). In the Scottish Crime Survey Eddie had disclosed that he had experienced force from his partner prior to January 1999, but he did not consider himself a 'victim of domestic violence'. Eddie misunderstood our opening reference to 'force and threats', and hence responded by documenting the harassment he had experienced from local people subsequent to his conviction for (sexually) 'interfering with a wee boy' 20 years ago.
Soon after leaving hospital (having been sectioned) Eddie met his wife in a homeless hostel where he was living. Eddie described his relationship with Doris as 'a bit of a hassle'. Although Eddie insisted that he does 'love her', he also said 'I do want to leave, but I'd end up back at a hostel'. In the two times our interviewers met Eddie he talked about a particular instance when Doris had assaulted him because he had taken 5 from their rent money. On this occasion, Doris 'fought like a cat'. Eddie suffered scratches all over his face, back and body. Eddie said he could have had Doris 'charged', but he refrained from doing so. Eddie had never notified the police of Doris's violence although he had threatened to tell both the police and Doris's mother about her behaviour.
Eddie attributed Doris's violence to her drinking. He also attributed his own violent outbursts to her drinking and her getting 'on his wick'. Eddie was forthcoming in disclosing his own violence, explaining how he had marked Doris's body (as opposed to her face) so that people would not notice. He also took pride in his capacity to keep sufficient control over himself so that Doris did not die as a consequence of him 'choking' her. Eddie stated, 'If I did kill her, if I choked her, the police can charge me. I try to keep away from that'.
Although Eddie and his wife were both violent to each other, his account suggested that his wife sustained bruises on many more occasions than he did - 'she goes black and blue'. Eddie also attributed his own violent temper to the brutal beatings his father inflicted on him; beatings that continued well into Eddie's adult life. Eddie explained that many of the violent arguments between him and Doris were as a result of him reacting to her claims that his parents did not love him. Eddie maintained that his memories of his father's violence had, on occasion, stopped him from killing Doris.
Retaliators
Frank
Frank was an unemployed factory worker in his late fifties who lived alone. He had indicated in his self-completion questionnaire that an ex-partner had made threats towards him, but he did not know whether this constituted domestic violence. This partner turned out to be his second wife, Hilary. Frank and Hilary had been together 15 years, before they divorced seven years before the time of interview. Much of Frank's account was vague, and in places, highly ambiguous.
Frank told our interviewer that his marriage had 'deteriorated from bad to worse', and that he and Hilary were 'fighting all the time, arguing', even though he was 'working 12 hour shifts, seven days a week'. Frank also claimed that his redundancy and the financial consequences of this coincided with their break-up. However, later in the interview Frank changed his mind about this, pointing out that he had accrued considerable savings as a result of the overtime he had worked. Frank said that his wife had 'threatened to kill him, but that, [he]…was never really frightened of her…She was just threatening to do this and do that…Most of it was all talk'.
Hilary left Frank and moved with their children to sheltered housing, but some five weeks later she returned home and changed the locks in their house. Frank was forced to reside with a relative of Hilary's. Frank said there was never any actual physical violence in his relationship and that mostly their arguments were about petty things. Frank said he may have threatened Hilary but he could not actually remember a specific time. Frank did not have any problems seeing his children after the marriage break-up. He never contacted any agencies or service providers as a result of Hilary's threats.
Gary
Gary was a labourer in his early forties who lived with his father. He was separated from his wife, who lived with his two children. Gary indicated in the Scottish Crime Survey that he had experienced threats and force from an 'ex-girlfriend' prior to January 1999, and that he felt he was a 'victim of domestic violence'. In our interview Gary revealed that it was actually his ex-wife, Deborah, who had assaulted and threatened to kill him. At times he had felt that he was 'living on a knife-edge'.
Gary described Deborah as a 'fiery' woman who would 'get violent' if he 'said anything she disagreed with'. Gary listed numerous incidents during which Deborah had subjected him to serious forms of violence. These included times when she had punched him, 'sliced' him with a knife, hit him over the head with a bottle, set fire to the bed (although he was not in it) and tried to 'claw' his eyes out. However, the severest incident Gary recounted was the time when Deborah had 'smashed' a crystal lamp over his head, after an argument in which she had told him that he was not the father of her child. The injuries sustained as a consequence of this blow to his head resulted in Gary losing three pints of blood. Gary was taken to hospital on this occasion and given a transfusion.
Not all of Deborah's attacks were successfully implemented. Gary recalled one time when he had moved to embrace his ex-wife:
So I looks down and I've seen the bloody knife in her hand, and she's putting her arms around me and she's ready. She's gonna plunge it into my back. I looked down at the side and there's four knives sitting at the side of the bed and I'm thinking, 'This is pre-meditated, she's thought about this one'…So I kicked her out the door, and she's going down the road shouting that I'd better watch my back…that I was going to get my head cut off, I was as good as dead…
In 'hindsight', Gary attributed Deborah's 'mood swings' to her 'cross addiction' (to alcohol and Valium). He also explained how Deborah was later convicted for the manslaughter of a subsequent boyfriend - for which she was sentenced to four years imprisonment (having strangled and set fire to him). Gary regretted not having pressed charges against Deborah whilst they were together - the police having urged him to press charges against her for 'serious assault' following the 'lamp' attack. Gary explained that if he had done so, Deborah would have received help earlier and 'might never have done a jail sentence'.
Gary had sometimes 'retaliated' with violence against Deborah whilst they were together. On two of these occasions he had been charged and fined by the police. Gary recalled one incident during which he 'pinned her against the wall with one hand' and was ready to strike her, but withdrew. He also claimed that Deborah had feigned injury in order to get him arrested. On one occasion she had allegedly 'flung herself down the stairs to give herself a bruising…black eye and a bust nose'.
Gary regretted that his eldest son had 'witnessed a few cases' of the violence between him and Deborah, explaining that he had seen 'more than he should of for a boy his age'. Gary also told us that at the time of the assaults he had lied to people about what had happened, explaining scratches on his face by claiming to have fallen into a hedge. Gary explained that he was reluctant to 'wash [his] dirty laundry in public'. Gary emphasised that he was physically much larger than Deborah and that he suspected that this would render his ex-wife's violence a source of humour for others and embarrassment for himself. Gary did, however, take great pride in the fact that he had 'battered' Deborah's brother (an ex-army sergeant) on the occasion when Deborah had instructed her brother to 'set about' Gary.
Gary had never received any form of counselling for his victimisation (or indeed, his own violence). Social services only had contact with the family when legal guardianship of the children was awarded to Gary's mother-in-law.
Harry
Harry was a street orderly in his early forties who lived alone. He had disclosed to the Scottish Crime Survey 2000 that an ex-partner had threatened him, but he did not consider himself to be a 'victim of domestic violence'.
The first relationship Harry spoke to our interviewer about was with a man called Colin, whom he lived with for fifteen years. Much of the abuse Harry detailed seemed to stem from the clandestine nature of his relationship. Colin did not want many people to know that Harry and himself were a couple. Harry maintained that Colin held 'the power' in the relationship, and that 'the majority' of arguments were started by Colin. Harry would often feel 'frightened' when Colin began to shout, 'screech' or go 'crazy'. When talking about the abuse, Harry claimed that it was 'more mental' than physical, although once or twice he and Colin had ended up 'on the floor fighting'.
One example of the mental abuse endured by Harry was when Colin moved another man into their home and initiated a sexual relationship with him. Furthermore, Colin and Harry's relationship was premised on an unequal division of domestic labour. Harry said that when Colin moved his new lover into the house he (Harry) continued to do 'the washing and the ironing and made all of their meals…[and] just went along with it'. Subsequently, Colin told Harry that he was going to get married to a woman (Hazel), but still insisted that his relationship with Harry should continue. Colin and Harry's relationship endured silences that could last up to 'four or five weeks' often resulting from Colin's jealously about Harry's friendships. Colin also had a relationship with a male prostitute. Colin would also, at times, pressure Harry into sex: 'if he wanted sex, you'd to give him sex…always on his terms'.
Harry had approached Gay Men's Health for support after he and Colin separated. Harry described Gay Men's Health's response as 'helpful', especially because it was 'gay related' and because the people he spoke to 'listened' to him and were 'patient' with him. Nevertheless, Harry had since had an abusive relationship with another man (Luke). During this relationship Luke became very jealous of Harry's ex-boyfriend (with whom Harry lived) thinking that 'something had happened' between them. This incident culminated in Luke 'grabbing' Harry by the 'throat'. On this occasion, Harry 'retaliated' by hitting Luke back.
Ivan
Ivan was an unemployed manager in his fifties, who was separated from his second wife. When interviewed by the Scottish Crime Survey Ivan indicated that his second wife had used force towards him and that he considered himself a 'victim of domestic violence'.
During our qualitative interview Ivan told the story of how he met up again with an ex-fiancée of his (Lisa), some time after his first marriage had terminated. Lisa and Ivan subsequently married. Ivan described this relationship as initially 'exciting', but one that swung from 'loving to argumentative', as Lisa was a bit 'Jekyll and Hyde' and 'a drama queen'. Ivan said that there were only a few times when Lisa was actually violent towards him. The first occasion Ivan described as 'a slap'. The second incident evolved from an argument and culminated in Lisa hitting Ivan with a spade.
The bruise Ivan sustained on this second occasion was big enough for people to inquire about it, and for him to show his GP. However, Ivan decided not to tell people that Lisa had assaulted him because he felt the incident was an 'isolated' one. Ivan stressed that most of the violence was 'oral' and insisted there were times when Lisa was particularly 'venomous'. Some of the incidents of 'force' Ivan mentioned did not involve actual assaults, only Lisa 'pursuing' him when he wanted to walk away from a confrontation. On one such occasion Ivan had used the door as a 'barrier', 'trapping' Lisa's finger in the door. Lisa had to seek medical treatment as a consequence.
Ivan contextualised the conflicts in his relationship with Lisa in terms of his feelings of being 'excluded' from her relationships with the children from her first marriage, her failure to consult him on important family decisions, arguments over household chores, her infidelity the first time they were courting (20 years ago), and her incapacity to trust his fidelity (because he had been unfaithful to his first wife).
Ivan and Lisa sought assistance in their relationship from Couple Counselling, although initially Lisa felt that Ivan should attend and that 'she shouldn't'. During the counselling Ivan said that he and Lisa spoke about the violence. Ivan 'had a lot of respect for the work that Couple Counselling did with [them]'.
Jimmy
Jimmy was in his early forties and worked in a restaurant. He had previously been in the armed forces. When he was interviewed for the Scottish Crime Survey he indicated that the partner he was with prior to 1999 had used force against him, although he did not consider himself a 'victim of domestic violence'. Our interviewer discovered that the 'force' referred to incidents involving Jimmy's first wife (of six months), Ann, and two assaults perpetrated by another (subsequent) ex-girlfriend, Mandy.
Jimmy and Ann had been together only a week when she 'fell pregnant', so Jimmy did the 'dutiful thing and marr[ied] her'. During his interview Jimmy talked about the 'strain' on his relationship caused by being away with his work; a strain which was compounded because Ann ended up living in an army camp 'in the middle of nowhere'.
Jimmy claimed he and Ann had many rows. The first time Ann used actual force Jimmy described thus: 'she lost her rag, she just threw toast at me'. On another occasion Ann started 'eff-ing and blinding' after their infant son (George) put the glass of a broken beer bottle in his mouth - glass that Jimmy claimed to have cleared away. Jimmy told Ann to 'clean it up' herself. Ann also threw a glass of water over Jimmy when he said he was too tired to have sex with her. Jimmy did not blame the failure of his marriage entirely on Ann. He said he 'flirt[ed]' and 'went out and lived dangerously'.
Jimmy said that when these arguments started he would 'just walk away.' After custody of George had been awarded to Ann, she and Jimmy had their 'biggest…row'. Ann 'shouted' at Jimmy for 'playing rough with' George, who had started to cry. When Jimmy persisted, he felt 'this punch, coming up smacking me in the face.' He 'got up in a temper' and then,
put her up against the wall, threw her into a chair, I raised my fist, but I went you're not worth it…and rubbed her nose in it. Didn't hit her, just sorta rubbed her nose.
After this incident Ann called the police, but Jimmy told them that she had assaulted him. The police asked Jimmy if he wanted to press charges against Ann, but he said it 'wasn't worth it'. According to Jimmy, the police had told Ann that if she was not happy she should find herself an 'alternative' place to stay. Jimmy thought the police 'were great' but he said it would have been better had they conducted a follow-up,
cos when they walk out, God knows what can happen…I could've gone out that night, come back, smacked her head in.
Jimmy described times when he could have 'smacked [Ann] in the mouth' but maintained that the punishment he would have received from the military police stopped him,
they punish you twice…you get called into a court first, and then you get charged again for bringing the uniform into disrepute.
Jimmy described a relationship with his ex-girlfriend (Mandy) where she had poured drink over him and 'tried to stab' him with her high heels when he was asleep. Jimmy said he 'wasn't bothered' about this and couldn't feel 'anything'. When Jimmy told Mandy that he was moving out, an argument started. Mandy hit Jimmy with her shoes and 'tried stabbing' him with a screwdriver. Jimmy took a clog and hit her with it, 'just across the leg to stop her following' him. The police questioned Jimmy over allegations that he had 'dislocated her knee.' Jimmy responded by showing the police his 'marks from the high heel shoes' and 'grazes' from the 'screwdriver', and said 'if she's prosecuting me I'll prosecute her'. Jimmy was sent a warning from the Procurator Fiscal, stating that if he offended again he would be prosecuted.
Aside from his contacts with the police, Jimmy did not receive any support or help from other agencies or organisations regarding domestic abuse, but he had some contact with Victim Support following a serious assault by a man in a pub.
Kenny
Kenny was a sales director and trainee psychotherapist in his mid-fifties. He had been married to Erica for 32 years, with whom he had three children (all of whom were now adults, but still lived with Kenny and Erica). When interviewed for the Scottish Crime Survey, Kenny maintained that he had experienced force from his wife but did not consider himself to be a 'victim of domestic violence'.
Before the interview commenced, Kenny said he was willing to do anything to make his marriage work. He said that one of his reasons for taking part in our qualitative interview was so that he could verbalise his feelings in an attempt to understand his relationship better. Kenny had become a Catholic when he and Erica first married so that religion was not a reason 'for division' between them. Kenny described his marriage to Erica as 'settled and stable' and insisted that it was only in 'the last few years' that 'problems' had arisen. Kenny attributed these problems to Erica's 'menopause', 'pressure' (on them both), the need to spend more 'time' together, and his own experience of the conflicts between his mother and stepfather when he was a child.
Kenny struggled to provide specific examples of Erica's force towards him, aside from 'wrestling matches' in which they sometimes both 'los[t] control'. Often the problem was that Kenny hadn't said 'something that she wanted' him 'to say'. Kenny said that his own failings as a husband were often reasons for his and Erica's 'rows and rucks'. (He cited times he hadn't confided in Erica, and times when he had been late home as examples).
Kenny said he would sometimes try to use 'restraining' force against Erica - typically holding her wrists, physically shoving her away from him, and on one occasion dragging her down the stairs - 'more to defuse the situation rather than actually be aggressive'. Kenny explained that when he raised his 'tone of voice to the same level as hers [and was] aggressive properly' Erica often became tearful. As a result of their 'wrestling matches' Kenny had suffered scratches on his arms and nail marks on the back of his hands. Erica had sustained bruising on her thigh as a result of Kenny being 'too forceful'. Kenny said things were improving between him and Erica, that the violence was under control and they were increasingly 'sharing' their problems. He added, 'at the end of the day I feel remorseful and heartbroken it happened and lots of apologies afterwards'.
To the best of Kenny's knowledge his children were not aware of the violent arguments between him and Erica. Neither the police nor social services had been contacted regarding these incidents.
Liam
Liam was an engineer in his mid forties. He disclosed to the Scottish Crime Survey 2000 that he had experienced force from an ex-girlfriend, but that he did not consider himself a 'victim of domestic violence'. The relationship to which Liam was referring was with a woman called Jane whom he dated 20 years previously. Liam described Jane as a 'possessive' and 'jealous' woman who had a 'fiery temper'. Jane wanted to see Liam every night, which Liam found 'a bit of a strain'. Jane's demands also meant that Liam had less time to play sport, a pastime he particularly enjoyed. When asked about his relationship with Jane, Liam said,
we had a few rows - but nothing serious, usually… I wasn't beaten up badly or anything, I wasn't battered, she just used to hit me now and again…strike out at me.
Liam disclosed that 'a couple of times' Jane 'punched [him] in the face', and on at least one occasion she gave him a black eye. She had also pulled a 'shaving thing off the wall' and 'threw it' at him. Liam maintained that on these occasions he would 'restrain' Jane and try 'to pacify her'. When he did 'retaliate' it was 'more in self-defence than actually trying to injure her'. Liam described one incident when he 'pushed her…on the bed' and another when he 'slapped her round the face'.
Liam and Jane went on holiday together fourteen years after their relationship had ended. This holiday proved turbulent. Liam maintained that his relationship with Jane 'put [him] off' women 'for a wee bit'. Liam never approached any agencies for support or help in conjunction with Jane's behaviour.
Michael
Michael was an engineer in his fifties. Michael had disclosed to the Scottish Crime Survey that his ex-wife (Sheila) had threatened him and used force against him. He considered himself a 'victim of domestic violence'.
Michael and Sheila, 'had to get married' when she 'fell pregnant', despite his reluctance to do so. Michael described Sheila as both 'really pleasant' and 'a hard nut' but admitted that he 'didn't really love' her. Michael's mother was 'dead against the marriage' because she knew of Sheila's 'violent reputation'. After the birth of their daughter, Michael and Sheila's relationship 'deteriorat[ed]', and both of them were 'unfaithful'. Michael said he was 'not a violent person', although he admitted to fighting with Sheila's younger brother on a couple of occasions.
When asked about his marriage, Michael maintained that the violence 'probably wasn't that frequent' but that it dominated his memory of their time together: 'it's a lot of what I remember of the relationship'. Usually when Sheila would begin 'ranting and raving' Michael would 'walk away'. Michael insisted, 'it wasn't a problem' or 'a major threat' when she 'used her fists' as 'I could hit her a lot harder than she could hit me…and that would sorta keep her away'.
One night following an argument over Michael's infidelity, Sheila 'stabbed' Michael in the back with a knife as he was walking away from her. Michael did not realise that he had been stabbed until he went outside and discovered his 'back was wet' with his own blood. Michael received treatment for his injury at the local hospital and when he went home that night he slept downstairs. The next day, Michael described how Sheila was 'even more violent' (Sheila attempted to 'kick' and 'thump' him). Michael found it 'surprising' that Sheila 'wasne sorry'. 'A while after' this had happened Michael left Sheila and started divorce proceedings, citing their mutual unfaithfulness.
Apart from the hospital, Michael did not approach any other agencies for support or help. At the time that he was stabbed Michael told people that a stranger had attacked him. He did not want the police to be involved and he did not want people to know his wife was the perpetrator. Although this incident took place 20 years prior to interview it was still deeply distressing for Michael to talk about.
Non-Retaliatory Victims
Neil
Neil was in his early forties and had separated from his wife several years earlier. Neil's wife, Ruth, had assaulted and threatened him on numerous occasions, and he told the Scottish Crime Survey that he did perceive this as 'domestic violence'. Neil had given up work on the advice of a solicitor, who told him this was necessary if he wanted to regain custody of them. Neil had won his custody case 99, even though she had taken the children away from him when they separated. Neil still lives with his two sons and daughter.
Neil described a ten-year marriage that was mostly happy. However, he argued that as time went by Ruth became a 'Jekyll and Hyde character' who was increasingly abusive when drunk. The most serious incident that happened was when Ruth punched him a few times in the back with a set of keys. This incident happened close to the time of the ending of Neil's marriage, a time when he was holding their two-year-old daughter to stop Ruth leaving with her. On this occasion, Neil was badly bruised and cut.
Over the years there had been a number of other more minor incidents, most of which centred around Ruth's 'extreme jealously'. Neil said he witnessed Ruth's 'violent temper…more than the physical side of it': a temper that made him 'terrified' for his children's safety. Ruth frequently accused Neil of infidelity, and was suspicious of the times when his work required him to stay away overnight or when he attended office parties to which partners were not invited. Neil insisted that Ruth had no reason to be jealous. Another time when Ruth had hit Neil, her force caused him to split his eye on his car door. On this occasion Neil had tried to prevent Ruth from taking their car because she was drunk. Ruth had also hit Neil in front of other family members when he was drunk. As a consequence of Ruth's behaviour, Neil gave up drinking - and had not had a drink in eight years.
Neil said that he had never hit Ruth, although he had on several occasions threatened to report her to the police. However, Neil had never told the police, or sought help from any other agency (except a solicitor) because of his 'pride'. Ruth has since sought psychiatric help. Neil explained that Ruth had a particularly 'unhappy childhood'.
Oliver
Oliver was a civil servant in his early thirties who had previously been forced to leave the army after a stranger assault left him with physical disabilities and slight brain damage. He considered himself a 'victim of domestic violence', because his ex-partner (prior to 1999) had attempted to stab him with a kitchen knife. The story Oliver told of his relationship was one in which his partner, Karen, tired of him being away from home for long periods of time because of his work. Karen had told him that if he did not leave his job she would terminate her pregnancy and leave him.
One night I was coming back home after being away…she ran at me with a knife…[and] tried to slash me a couple of times, but…I was able to defend myself.
Oliver conceded that his relationship 'always had problems'. Oliver said Karen was very possessive, although it was actually her that had an affair; he had always remained faithful. Oliver did not like Karen spending his income whilst he was away. On the occasion when Karen attempted to stab Oliver, they had just had an argument regarding the condition their home was in (Oliver said there was dog faeces 'all over the floor'). There had also been more minor incidents of abuse in Oliver and Karen's relationship; times when Karen had kicked or slapped Oliver without causing serious injury. Oliver said he never retaliated, except to hold Karen's hands to stop her. Oliver attributed his restraint to having seen the effects of his father's violence on his mother.
Oliver was never able to resolve his conflicts with Karen because he ended up in hospital for almost a year as a consequence of a stranger assault. During the time Oliver was in hospital Karen had an abortion, emptied their joint bank account and initiated a relationship with another man. It was this subsequent behaviour that appeared to hurt Oliver the most. Oliver said that he had told very few people about the violence he experienced from Karen, mostly because he expected people to tell him to 'sort it out' himself.
Patrick
Patrick was a self-employed man in his early forties who was married and lived with his wife and only child. Patrick had indicated to the Scottish Crime Survey that he had been subjected to threats and force prior to 1999 from an ex-girlfriend, but did not feel he had been a victim of 'domestic violence'. However during the course of the interview Patrick revealed that it was actually his current wife, Julia, who had threatened him with a knife; the incident in question occurring shortly after the birth of their child, seven years prior to the interview.
Patrick could not recall the exact reasons as to how the incident arose, but suggested that he 'was probably antagonising' Julia in some way. Patrick said that the build-up to the argument was probably regarding 'something trivial'. Patrick was not actually hurt during this episode as he sought refuge in the toilet, but admitted to being 'a tad worried', because Julia had 'lost the plot'.
After the incident, Patrick said he was 'livid' about his wife's behaviour. Patrick then went on to contextualise conflicts in his relationship in terms of Julia's 'desperate' desire for a child, the impact of IVF treatment on his sex drive (for which he sought counselling) and Julia's postnatal depression (for which she received counselling).
Patrick was keen to stress that the incident in which Julia 'had a knife in her hand' was the 'one and only time' that she had ever threatened him in any way. Patrick described his relationship with Julia as being like 'best mates'. Neither Patrick nor Julia sought any support or intervention from the police or any other agency as a result of the abusive incident.
Robert
Robert was a sales manager in his mid thirties who lived with his wife and two children. Robert's responses to the self-completion questionnaire were contradictory, as he had stated that he did not have a partner or contact with an ex-partner at the time of the survey. However, Robert went on to claim that he had experienced force from his current wife prior to 1999, although he did not consider himself a victim of 'domestic violence'. In our interview with Robert, we ascertained that the person involved was not actually Robert's current wife, but an 'ex-girlfriend' (Alison) he dated twelve or thirteen years ago.
Robert's relationship with Alison lasted a year and a half. He said things 'went pear shaped' during the last six months, when she started to 'lift her hand' towards him. Robert described Alison as having 'a fiery temper', which he attributed to the fact that she had 'ginger hair'. Alison would frequently 'swear' at Robert and had punched him 'in the face…and in the body'. Robert also recalled how Alison would sometimes 'catch' him 'on the cheekbone or maybe the jaw, [or] give me a slap on the head'. Robert elaborated, 'It wasnae like one hit and away sort of thing, she used to go mental'. These attacks would happen 'two or three times a day'.
Robert claimed that the reason Alison 'liked to have her own way' was because her 'mother and father spoilt her' (she was an 'only' child). Alison tended to react with violence when she did not get her own way, for example, when Robert refused to go shopping or to the cinema with her. Robert steadfastly denied having ever physically retaliated against Alison. He never sought support or help from the police or any other agency during this time, believing that he 'could handle it' on his own.
Simon
Simon was a nurse in his mid forties who lived with his wife and four children. Simon had indicated in his self-completion questionnaire that his ex-wife had used force against him and that he considered himself a 'victim of domestic violence'. He confirmed these details during the qualitative interview.
Simon explained that he and his ex-wife, Carrie had been engaged for eighteen months prior to getting married, the two of them having met at their local church. Simon described a 'gentle relationship', that nevertheless fell apart 'days after the wedding' when Carrie told him that 'she'd been having sex with somebody' else whilst they were engaged. She also declared that she 'wasn't going to have any more children'. Simon revealed that this disclosure 'almost destroyed' the relationship because Carrie had previously intimated that they would have children together. Simon and Carrie's marriage subsequently terminated only 'a few weeks' later.
Simon said he became 'stuck in a house with this woman who was always looking to fight'. Despite the fact that he was 'bigger' and 'stronger' than Carrie, Simon said that she was 'a very physical woman, so when we had a row she would always try and give me a slap'. Simon also claimed that Carrie would often follow him from room to room trying to provoke him. He described one such occasion where:
She was going so mad trying to hit me with different things, I actually had to hold her on the couch, just hold her down to stop her swinging about. And she kept shouting, 'this is what you want, this is what you want. You want to hit me'. I says, 'I haven't hit you, stop hitting me'.
Simon vowed he would 'never become like…[his] father'; a man who had perpetrated some 'absolutely horrendous' beatings on Simon's mother.
Simon and Carrie sought counselling from their local bishop. Simon described the process as 'totally unrewarding' on account of the fact that the bishop merely talked about 'the gospels involved in the church'. Simon and Carrie also spoke to a professional counsellor, who was coincidentally a fellow member of their church. Despite Simon and Carrie not mentioning her 'aggression' this counsellor proved much more 'helpful'.
Trevor
Trevor 100 was in his mid twenties, self employed and lived at home with his family. Trevor indicated to the Scottish Crime Survey that he had experienced threats from an ex-girlfriend prior to 1999 but did not consider himself a 'victim of domestic violence'. Trevor told us that whilst his ex-girlfriend had never threatened him, she had used force against him. Trevor had been threatened and assaulted by brothers, male neighbours and male friends of girls he had been in relationships with. Trevor said he had arranged for friends of his to retaliate against these men.
The one incident of force that Trevor had experienced from a partner was not disclosed to the Scottish Crime Survey. Trevor recounted this incident in a light-hearted manner during his interview, describing how his ex-fiancée (Louisa) had 'swung' him into a window during an argument. Trevor insisted that the only force he used against Louisa was to grab her wrists to prevent her from hitting him. Trevor did not sustain any injuries on this occasion, although the window was broken. Apparently, the incident was 'pretty much resolved as soon as it happened', although Trevor alleged that Louisa harassed him with phone calls in the three months following their subsequent break-up.
Vince
Vince was police officer in his late thirties who lived with his girlfriend. He had disclosed to the Scottish Crime Survey that an ex-girlfriend (Tracey) of his had said frightening things to him and used force against him. Vince did not consider himself to be a 'victim of domestic violence'.
Vince told us that the incidents of domestic violence were 'just me falling out with girlfriends…It was really funny looking back on it now but at the time it wasn't'. Vince gave several examples of when Tracey had assaulted him. Vince talked about one time when Tracey went 'absolutely loopy' and smashed a glass into his wrist. On this occasion, a few men in the pub also became violent towards Vince, believing that Vince was physically abusing his girlfriend. Vince said he was in fact 'trying to calm her down, obviously by holding her by the arms'.
On other occasions Tracey had punched Vince 'quite hard', and on one occasion had 'nearly broke' his nose. The majority of the incidents occurred when both Vince and Tracey had been drinking. Vince suggested that the violence was typically triggered by his 'flirtatious' behaviour. Vince said that towards the end of his and Tracey's relationship the violence became more regular, occurring every four or five weeks. Whenever he tried to end the relationship she would often become 'a bit mad'. On no occasion did Vince go to the hospital. Vince said his injuries were 'never that bad'. Vince added that if he encountered a male victim of domestic abuse in his police work he would 'talk the guy out of' pressing charges, because 'that's what you do'.
Warren
Warren was a 'house husband' in his fifties who had previously been a railway worker. Warren indicated in the Scottish Crime Survey that he had experienced threats and force from his ex-wife (Lily) and that he considered himself 'a victim of domestic violence'.
Warren told us how Lily had been in a violent relationship before they were married. When Warren and Lily first met, Lily was 'very frightened' of upsetting Warren. On one occasion she feared Warren was going 'to kill her' because she had broken a plate - a reaction Warren attributed to her previous experiences of living with an abusive man. Yet after Warren and Lily were married, Warren said Lily became 'over confident' as a result of the 'freedom' and 'new world of experience' their relationship afforded her. Warren claimed Lily would invite young boys round to the house like a 'queen bee'. Warren also described Lily as being 'stroppy' and a 'heavy drinker' and claimed that she would 'expos[e] herself' on nights out when Warren was present. Warren complained that their house would always be untidy and that their daughters would not be fed properly. Warren also detailed how Lily was 'seeing somebody' else, something he considered to be a form of 'violence' against him.
When talking of the force, Warren told our interviewer how Lily would throw shoes at him. Warren claimed he still had a bruise on his ankle from an incident some fifteen years ago when Lily had done this. At the time Warren sought hospital treatment for the injury caused. Warren also told our interviewer how Lily would 'hit and scratch' him. He described Lily's actions as like 'a very frustrated child hitting her mother'. When asked about his reactions to Lily's behaviour, Warren said, he would 'never…hit a woman', although he was less concerned about being 'violent' to other men. Nevertheless, Warren also added, 'maybe I was hurting her emotionally', because he was (psychologically) 'twisted' (implicating the affects of his own history of childhood sexual abuse). Although Warren described his sex life with Lily as 'reasonably good' certain things she would do 'used to scare the shit out of [him]'.
Warren had contacted the Citizen's Advice Bureau for financial advice after he and Lily separated. Warren said he did not contact social services because he held them in such low regard. Both of his children were on the child protection register. After their separation, Warren retained custody of the children, although the children actually went to live with Warren's parents. Warren never approached the police about the domestic abuse he experienced as he said he couldn't see 'what they could have done'.
Zac
Zac was in his mid twenties and unemployed at the time of our interview with him. Zac had indicated to the Scottish Crime Survey that he had experienced threats and force from both an ex-partner and his wife. Zac disclosed that he had had bones broken, been choked, had things thrown at him and had been threatened with an object. He also claimed that children had been present during at least one of these incidents. Zac considered himself a 'victim of domestic violence'.
Zac told our interviewer of three relationships in which he felt he had been abused by a partner. In three relationships Zac had physical force used against him. There was also emotional abuse in his third relationship. Zac contextualised the abuse within all three of his relationships in terms of his desire to work long hours (sometimes 18 hours a day) to earn money. This created tension within his relationships on account of his partners' 'possessiveness'. Zac also detailed his partners' previous histories of abuse at the hands of other men as a causal factor of the domestic abuse. Another recurrent theme in Zac's narrative was his separation from his partners either shortly before or shortly after they had each given birth to his (three) children (one with each partner) 101. These separations occurred despite his insistence that 'If you're going to go out with somebody, you [should] try and make it last as long as possible'. Zac stated that:
everything in life is meant for you one way or another and its - me being mistreated by women to me is because I must have been mistreating them in some way and I don't particularly know how, but I must have been doing it somehow.
Jemma moved in with Zac shortly after their relationship began (when he was about 16 years old), after an altercation with her stepfather that culminated in Zac punching him. Jemma's violence towards Zac apparently began with 'just a gentle slap or a push', but progressed to Jemma throwing things 102 at him. On one occasion, Jemma had tried to hit Zac on the head with her stiletto heel, an act Zac belittled by describing it as 'amusing'. Zac dealt with his subsequent feelings of 'aggression' by hitting 'doors and pillows'. Eventually Zac felt he had to 'get out' of the relationship, for fear that he would have 'end[ed] up hitting her back'. The 'last straw' was when Zac awoke to find Jemma putting a bread knife to his throat, with the threat, 'keep mistreating me and I'll kill you'. Zac responded to this by saying, 'cut my throat, I'm going back to sleep'. Zac claimed that in other incidents Jemma had attacked him from behind with a knife, which had 'scarred' him on his back 'for life'.
Jemma had Zac's child after they had separated, but Zac claimed that Jemma did not want him 'to have anything to do with' their daughter. Just prior to the interview Zac had resumed contact with this daughter, subsequent to receiving a letter from the Child Support Agency.
Less than two years after this break-up Zac married a woman called Kerry. Zac described Kerry as 'the only person I'm actually in love with still' and that she was only violent 'when she was pregnant'. He then partially retracted this explaining, 'it wasn't violence as such…more like a sort of kid's tantrum…and then she would burst into tears'. Zac attributed Kerry's violence to psychiatric problems connected to having been raped as a teenager. According to Zac, if he 'put [his] hand on her throat by accident…it would bring back a bad memory' and Kerry would become 'hysterical'.
Zac left Kerry after he had an affair with Nina (his third partner), less than twelve months into the marriage. Despite the fact that this was just before the birth of their daughter, Zac was still present at the birth and would see his daughter 'two or three times a week'. Recently Kerry had attempted to get an interdict out against Zac (because of his alleged harassment of her); something Zac described as being 'quite funny' because Kerry was 'laughed out of court'. Zac was in the process of consulting a lawyer about gaining access to his daughter.
When asked about the violence in his relationship with Nina, Zac said that:
Nina wasn't only physical. Physical doesn't bother me because I've got a very, very high pain tolerance 103, so somebody hitting me doesn't hurt anyway…With her it was a lot more emotional and a lot more mental…she would put me down a lot and sort of try and disgrade [sic] me.
Zac claimed Nina's behaviour resulted from her need to be 'in control'. When Nina 'did lash out' she would often hit Zac with kitchen implements, typically a spoon or spatula. She had also 'stabbed' him with a knife and a fork. Zac said that when he 'started fighting back and basically made her feel [inferior]…that made her fight even more'. Zac described Nina's tendency to try to make him 'look like an idiot in front of everybody' as worse than the physical abuse. Zac also said Nina had fabricated stories about having slept with other men to try and 'hurt' him.
Zac claimed he was rejected from the marines because of a detached retina, an injury that was the result of Nina hitting him on the side of the face with a TV remote control. Zac elaborated, 'I could have made something of my life' and, 'she's taken that away from me basically because of her violence'. Zac had never contacted the police because of his victimisation, explaining that he was 'too embarrassed'. Zac had, however, spoken to a local church minister on one occasion, which he described as being 'a wee bit' helpful.
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