From the National Archives
Document of the Month - April
The British Army
thinks of everything as this document dated from
around 1810 - 1815 and labelled 'The Nose Affair'
proves.
It is clearly a joke, probably penned by a serving
soldier.
(GD40/10/32) As the Document of the Month
beginning April 1 it seems especially apt.
'There are perhaps but few objects as interesting to the
mind of a Modern Soldier, that excite so much of his
attention, or afford him such constant anxiety, uneasiness
and Embarrassment as his Nose'
The document explains, in considerable detail, how a
soldier on parade should blow his nose. It includes step by
step instructions with the corresponding orders. It even
suggests that certain types of nose, too ungainly to
securely be hidden in the folds of one's tunic while
performing the exercise, might be grounds for a man being
declared unfit for military service. The essay by an
anonymous humorist is accompanied by five watercolour
illustrations on card. These show examples of some of the
more extreme nasal conditions described in the text.
"The Nose Affair" came into the possession of the
National Archives of Scotland as part of the extensive
muniments of the Marquis of Lothian. Section ten of this
collection contains 'Military Papers 1645 - 1883', most of
which are concerned with far more serious subjects than the
one reproduced here. The Lothian Muniments were purchased
by the Scottish Record Office (now the National Archives of
Scotland) in 1992.
Full transcript of "The Nose Affair"
There are perhaps but few objects as interesting to the
mind of a Modern Soldier, that excite so much of his
attention, or afford him such constant anxiety, uneasiness
and Embarrassment as his Nose - for he is so swathed and
buttoned up, & his Pockets so sliced away, that the
only asylum left for his handkerchief is in his Bosom:
& even there, it is not secure from the animadversion
of a General Officer, unless it be so concealed that no
part of it shall at any time be discernable to the Naked
Eye. Now really a man's handkerchief may as well be in the
wash and better, if he does not use it -
It may not therefore be unacceptable to Commanding
Officers of Infantry Regiments to be made acquainted with a
System, of Nose Blowing, adopted by His Majesty's Regt. Of
Militia, a system, by the practice of which all
difficulties & inconveniences have happily been
removed, and an exercise, at once graceful &
soldierlike introduced into the service. +NB. The 4
th Button hole from the Chin should be
considerably enlarged, so as to afford free ingress and
egress of the Nose.
The Nose Exercise
It is to be observed that at all Reviews &
inspections, this Exercise should be performed between the
Manual & the Platoon, that Ranks are opened, officers
advanced in front of their Divisions the Men with ordered
arms, the whole standing at Ease: the Flugel Man* in front
of the center.
*
NAS note: the Fugelman was the soldier whose appearance
and skill at drill and exercise were used as an example to
the other men.
Words of Command
Officers Attention
The men continue standing at Ease
Prepare to Blow Noses 2 motions
1
st Motion. The right hands are brought smartly
across the Belly, the middle finger slipped between the
finger and thumb of the Left hand.
2
nd motion Right hands are brought back to their
former Position, leaving the Left in possession of the
Glove. - Fig 1
st.
Slope Noses 1 motion
Heads drop forward, lifeless as it were upon the Breast
and Eyes are steadfastly fixed on the Enlarged Button Hole
- Fig. 2nd
Advance Arms
The Right hand is brought up to the Breast, and Thrust
under the lapel between the 3
rd & 5
th Button holes (the 4
th having been surreptitiously opened for that
purpose.) the forefinger & thumb are then turned
upwards assuming the form of a forceps; but the greatest
care must be taken that no part either of the hand or the
handkerchief shall protrude itself beyond the verge of the
enlarged Button hole - In this position the Right Hand,
half buried in the handkerchief lyes in ambush as it were,
immediately below the Nose, awaiting the right Word of
Command.
Handle Noses. 2 motions
1
st Motion
The forceps darts upwards seizing the Nose withVigour
but without violence; and giving it a tugdownwards, in case
it should not be sufficiently sloped.
2
nd Motion
The Nose is brought down with a sudden Jerk, and plunged
into the folds of the Pocket-handkerchief. It may be
prudent to hint here that the Jerk tho' sudden should not
be forcible, lest the Vertebrae of the neck should be
overstrained, an accident which would inevitably occasion,
sudden death - but happily as the forcipes and the Nose
belong respectively to the same persons, a degree of
tenderness and sympathy is bound to obtain between these
Members, which renders such Misfortunes very infrequent. As
soon as the nose shall have had a reasonable time for
Lodging itself comfortably within the body of the
handkerchief, a full inspiration must be made, the finger
& thumb still keeping their hold, and gently
compressing the Nostrils.
Break Wind. 3 motions
Unless proper precautions be taken, certain it is, that
no sooner is this order issued than the Regiment from Right
to Left becomes a perfect Bear Garden. The circumstance of
the men standing at Ease at the time, the novelty of such a
Word of Command, its being perhaps generally misunderstood,
may apologize in some degree for so flagrant a Breech of
good order. Much may be done to remedy this Evil, by
previously explaining to the men, first that the command
applies to the officers
only, and 2
nd that the operation itself is simply nasal.
After all however it must be confessed that there is the
greatest difficulty in restraining the men from giving vent
to every species of extravagance, such as shouting,
cheering, violent explosions of laughter &c &c
consequences, fundamentally subversive of all Discipline
& Military decorum.
But to proceed, the Moment the word Wind is heard - the
Noses make one general Discharge or expiration, the finger
& thumb applying a degree of lateral pressure that
shall be sufficient to make the operation sound, or
tell as it is called in military language - this
motion is repeated three times successively at the rate of
ordinary time, and also until great perfection and accuracy
shall have been acquired, by tap of Drum. After the last
discharge a considerable pause should be allowed by the
Com' Officer in order to give time to the Right hand (which
has got enough to do in clearing away impurities) to
prepare the Nose for inspection.
Carry Noses 1 motion
the head is instantly brought up with a jerk into its
original position, & at the same time the Right hand
(having neatly adjusted the handkerchief below the lapel)
is brought smartly down to the thigh - The Commanding
Officer now walks along the front of the line of Officers
to observe whether the Noses are generally speaking in such
a state, as to bear the scrutiny of an Inspecting General
Officer. It sometimes however happens that owing to various
unavoidable, often indeed distressing causes, such as sharp
frosts when Noses are seen to weep, to partial colds,
occasioning defluxions, to snuffles, but particularly to
the untoward and frequently vitious formation of the part,
that several of the Noses are found to be in a state of
imperfect emunction. If therefore it should appear on
Examination that a general detersion* is necessary (for two
or three faulty noses only need not be noticed) the
Commanding Officer gives the Word.
*
NAS note: the act of cleaning - particularly a sore
etc.
OfficersRt. About Face
The Officers face about and the Covering Serjeants who
are all furnished with a piece of Brown paper, Concealed
under the left Wristband of the Coat, quickly step forward
without any other signal, & placing themselves opposite
to their Respective Officers, grasp the Nose with the left
hand, while with the Brown paper in their Right they clean
away any immundities* that may still be found to adhere to
this respectable feature.
*
NAS note: uncleanness, filthiness or
impurities
OfficersFront
The officers go about - the Sergants do the same
retiring to their Respective Posts in ordinary time: Rear
Ranks take close order, and the Battalion stands ready for
Movement.
The steady & orderly performance of this Exercise
depends much upon the formation of the Nose, and as
Colonels are generally speaking not much read in Nosology,
a few hints are subjoined which they may find of use in the
Selection of Officers. For brevity's sake we shall mention
two kinds only, the one as being the most friendly, the
other the most hostile to this Exercise, and in proportion
as Noses approach the shape of these Models may their
fitness, or inaptitude for His Majesty's Service be
determined.
Form 1 - The long, prominent, Aquiline, hawked or hooked
nose may boldly be pronounced to be the standard for all
Military noses.
Form 2 - The upright, foreshortened, snubbed, or what is
vulgarly called the Pug Nose, is unquestionably the most
impracticable for a Soldier. The Proprietors of such Noses
should therefore be totally excluded from every well
regulated Regiment, for they would infallibly disgrace the
Corps, and tarnish the Cloth.
There is another kind of Nose, however which cannot
perhaps with propriety be classed as a distinct Species,
because its shape is decidedly not aboriginal, but
evidently acquired from bad habits & other Causes. We
consider it notwithstanding to be justly entitled to
distinction, from the frequency of its appearance, the
manliness and Majesty of its figure, as well as its
peculiar fitness for the Exercise, and shall therefore
describe it.
Form 3 - The large, portly, broad, round, knobbed,
Bottle Nose, commonly called the Magazine. He is generally
of a deep purple hue, fungeous or spungy in texture,
flaccid to the touch, worm-eaten & turgid to the Eye,
the End somewhat depressed, the Nostrils trumpet
mouthed.
It is with reluctance, that we feel ourselves obliged in
candour, to confess that this last form of Nose,
notwithstanding the unseemliness of its figure is in point
of aptitude to the Exercise, not much inferior perhaps to
Form 1
st. For with regard to length & depression
they are much upon a Par, and altho' Form 3 from its
breadth, rotundity, and bushyness is often apt to hitch at
the Button hole, yet its superior ponderosity generally
bears down all [abstracters?], and indeed in desperate
cases, has been known to carry away Cloth, Lining, Buttons
& all. But it is dangerous, & we wish to impress
the Circumstance strongly on the minds of Colonels, it is
dangerous to admit noses of this form into a Regiment, not
only because they are personally ungracious, but because
they are apt to degenerate into a fourth form decidedly
epenious & indeed in the hand of a soldier nearly
unmanageable. The Nose we allude to is, as to figure not
unlike the last, but as to size it knows no Bounds. It is
generally of a livid hue, that is of a pale Manna, or Jalap
Colour, with large appendages on each side, hanging down
like toadstools. It is termed technically, the Magnum Bonum
- If by a mistaken indulgence a Commanding Officer should
be weak enough to permit such a nose to continue in a
Corps, the enlarged Button hole must be extended to the
greatest possible dimensions, and at the 1
st Motion of Handle noses the Right Hand is
permitted to grasp the whole of the Machine, as a man lays
hold of a spunge, or an orange.
We have nothing more to add or to recommend to the
consideration of the Military, except to observe that all
noses that have hitherto appeared may be ranged under one
of the two above mentioned classes and we shall conclude by
enumerating the names of such as have come under our
observation.
Under class the first are to be found - The Grecian
nose, the Roman, the Magazine, the Carbuncle or Magnum
Bonum, the Broccoli, the Sweetbread, the full Battoned, the
oblique or twisted, the trunk, the trumpet, the
Extinguisher, the [ ? ], & the ne plus ultra.
Under class the 2
nd
The Pug, the Tartar, the Snub, the Button, the Button
Snub, the Pickled Mushroom, the Snout, the truncated, the
non effective, the broken Back, the Pudding, the Wafer, the
Pancake, & the Invisible.
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